Hello blog lovelies. I hope you have been well. I’ve been MIA for the past little while and I’ve been struggling to write this post. But I feel like I owe it to you and especially myself to put it all out there, after all the truth shall set you free. So here goes…
I have an eating disorder. Or I did. I like to think I’m in remission now and while I still have fumbles and screw ups, I can at least acknowledge my issue and show compassion towards myself. I suffer from Binge Eating Disorder and have for many years although truthfully I didn’t actually know I had an eating disorder until recently.
Symptoms of Binge Eating Disorder include:
Not exhibiting control over food,
Eating more quickly and in large quantities during binges
Eating until extremely uncomfortable
Consuming large amounts of food in short periods of time
Feelings of guilt, depression, shame after binge eating
Consuming large amounts of food alone because of embarrassment
Eating when not hungry
Binge eating when depressed, lonely or bored
My entire life I have always been slender with a fast metabolism and very active. I could eat and eat and eat some more and wouldn’t gain weight so it never occurred that I had a problem. Friends would joke that I could eat like a dude and I use to think polishing off a box of cookies because I was sad was normal. It wasn’t until this past Fall, after coming off an amazing summer of being the healthiest and fittest I had ever been in my life did things go down hill. I hit a wall of depression; being a perfectionist had gotten to me and I stopped working out, stopped eating vegan (though I was still a vegetarian), stopped eating healthfully and really just stopped being happy. I had to drag myself out of bed in the morning, I wouldn’t look people in the eye when they spoke to me, if I smiled it was all an act. I gained weight and felt very ashamed of what I had let myself become. Here I was, trying to tout a happy, healthy, fit lifestyle but I was suffering on the inside. I would go home and binge on food in secret, or at work when my coworkers were in meetings I would sneak food and eat it in secret, followed by staring in the mirror and being emotional abusive to myself. This went on for 6 months.
Finally one night, I called my Dad and let it all out and had a major reality check. How did I, this strong, happy girl who prided herself on her health and strength let myself get this deep into it? I knew I couldn’t go on feeling like I was so I got honest with myself and knew it was time to start the healing process. I had to pick up myself and whatever remaining pieces of self-esteem I had left. I talked to close friends, family and my Naturopath. I started going to yoga again. I joined a new gym and started running again. I started to practice mindful eating. I made the decision to go to Nutrition school. And most importantly, I allow myself to slip-up and make mistakes because hey, that’s life. You can’t always be perfect and you can’t control life and it’s exhausting to even try. And by trying to hide my problems, it didn’t make them disappear, it just made them worse.
So there it is. Don’t ever forget that you are beautiful and special. And if you or someone you love if suffering from an Eating Disorder, don’t be afraid of asking for help. Thank you for reading!